My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
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I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
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The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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