it wasn't lemon gatorade
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
