Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
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as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
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Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
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