420 ftw
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
how drunk are you?
Several
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
