Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
