i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
