whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
it was like his penis was on wheels.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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