I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
