the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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