I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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