Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
