I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
