Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
