my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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