He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
