Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
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THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
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She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
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