I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
