cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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