oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
