Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
