help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
