Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
