Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
