You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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