I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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