So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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