hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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