Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Welp...herpes.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Randomize
