I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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