i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
