I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
