Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
