now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
