Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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