When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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