I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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