you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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