Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
