yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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