Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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