He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
