i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
