I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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