i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
my shit smells like andre
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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