I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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