I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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