she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
