Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
