I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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