Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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