then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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