a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
