Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
