Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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