I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
