grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
