That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
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Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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