i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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