Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
