I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
