Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
