Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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