He asked to "fluff my boner.."
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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