someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
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