does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
