I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
