Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
