Texts From Last Night

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  (626): View more from California

  and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.

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  (626): and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name. http://tfl.nu/n8x4
  Replies (13) Good night (2877) Bad night (799)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people

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  (203): I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people http://tfl.nu/sj5w
  Replies (14) Good night (5533) Bad night (684)
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  (310): View more from California

  He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.

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  (310): He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls. http://tfl.nu/jh5k
  Replies (17) Good night (859) Bad night (3716)
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"

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  (419): apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty" http://tfl.nu/fxst
  Replies (4) Good night (2633) Bad night (929)
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  (585): View more from New York

  20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.

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  (585): 20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me. http://tfl.nu/kxs1
  Replies (4) Good night (1668) Bad night (614)
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on

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  (202): He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on http://tfl.nu/ht4d
  Replies (9) Good night (1905) Bad night (727)
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  (352): View more from Florida

  All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."

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  (352): All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive." http://tfl.nu/krpq
  Replies (10) Good night (2249) Bad night (1084)
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...

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  (207): Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final... http://tfl.nu/w8p1
  Replies (4) Good night (1496) Bad night (471)
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  (805): View more from California

  You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you

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  (805): You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you http://tfl.nu/2235
  Replies (5) Good night (441) Bad night (709)
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.

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  (724): I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower. http://tfl.nu/44q1
  Replies (2) Good night (689) Bad night (374)
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.

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  (330): I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs. http://tfl.nu/h6wa
  Replies (4) Good night (443) Bad night (686)
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump

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  (407): Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump http://tfl.nu/013u
  Replies (2) Good night (380) Bad night (722)
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.

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  (601): Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career. http://tfl.nu/22e3
  Replies (4) Good night (755) Bad night (380)
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  (806): View more from Texas

  Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.

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  (806): Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom. http://tfl.nu/zajb
  Replies (2) Good night (1015) Bad night (371)
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.

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  (973): Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles? (414): Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you. http://tfl.nu/1j9f
  Replies (0) Good night (856) Bad night (268)

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