i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
