does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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